The last time I watched an actual TV show on TV was sometime in early 2012, so a lot of things have been happening around me that I haven’t bothered to try make sense of. This makes me the prime candidate to look back and gaze upon what mankind has accomplished in the entertainment sphere over the past 12 months. In my view, these are the most important celebrity events that happened in 2013 (picked at random), and what I think about them (from having never heard of them before this minute):
1. Duck Dynasty Debacle
Apparently, this very bearded gentleman who hunts for a living said he didn’t approve of homosexuals and this was a big surprise to everyone. He also said Black people were happier during Jim Crow because they whistled while they worked. Or something like that. I’m gleaning from a short news article I skimmed. I don’t know this for sure, but I can assume this is true because it’s always true when someone says they don’t approve of the homosexuals and it’s basically a template you can just copy and paste:
A) People in places like New York and California were very mad that there are still people who don’t approve of homosexuals, because New York and California are big liberal circle jerks where small-minded racist hicks are considered a myth, like corn fields, and if you ever say the word “fag,” your kale privileges are revoked (You die).
B) Very religious people in the Flyover States and the South were mad that someone who was brave enough to voice the small-minded prejudices they all have but don’t say out loud was now being penalized for his beliefs at his job of “millionaire.”
C) Issues like “first amendment” and “political correctness” were inaccurately thrown around when in fact, the government and laws still (as always) have no control over what you say. You can run through the street shouting “you queers” and “negroids!” all you want and no one is going to put you in a gulag: you’re just a dick, and maybe you’ll get fired. I mean, you can run through the special education department of your local kindergarten pointing and shouting “Tards!” too. You’re just, like, human garbage, I guess.
Relevantly, as the internet points out, this very bearded gentleman is probably disapproving of homosexuals too, and may have never even seen a black person, but, like, he just privately churns butter and stuff (fucks bitches):
2. Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth Broke Up
I honestly didn’t know who Liam Hemsworth was until I looked him up – or rather, I had a blurry and incorrect idea of who he was. Like, I thought I knew who he was, but then I looked him up, and that wasn’t who he was. I think I might have thought he was the Thor brother, but if you’d asked me if Miley Cyrus was engaged to Thor, I would have said no. So it was like a vague understanding that hinges on premises that you admit you always knew weren’t true, but the ideas just coexist anyway. Like when you ask people if going out in the cold causes you to get a cold. Most people are smart enough to know viruses and bacteria cause diseases like colds, not temperature. But they’re still like, don’t go out without a coat, you’ll catch a cold. Why? Why are they unwilling to let go of that? If you ask them, they know they’re wrong. But they can’t let it go.
Anyway, I guess Liam Hemsworth is the wooden-voiced guy who galumphs around in the Hunger Games movies sounding really awkward when he calls Jennifer Lawrence “Catnip” and stuff. I think he wears overalls, and he’s like 6’8”. Does he wear overalls? He might never have actually worn overalls, but it just feels right. Like if you pick a strange Halloween costume like “Tom Cruise from Rainman” you might wear a Bluetooth and a Ferrari cap over an expensive suit, and he never wore that – Bluetooth wasn’t even invented yet when Rainman came out – but it’s just the whole thing of it, the gestalt. The Halloween costume of Gale would have overalls. Also, aren’t Liam Hemsworth and Jennifer Lawrence like 30? Man, everything sucks. Why did you make me start thinking about TV?
Also, why is there always an ugly brother
3. Justin Bieber Retired
Call me, Selena.