There have been a lot of personality / which-character quizzes going around recently whose quality I’ve been very disappointed in. Especially those Buzzfeed ones where you just click really big picture squares that all have clip-art copyright text and then at the end it just has a one-sentence result: “You are [result]. So yeah.” Can’t we put a little effort in this? I was making personality tests for friends on paper when I was 15 and also even at 15 I could already read, so I didn’t need big picture squares.
And everyone on Buzzfeed always gets the same result because there’s a type of person who takes Buzzfeed character tests and they’re all exactly the same. Yes, that means you. There are other results possible but anyone who’s different from you doesn’t take Buzzfeed character tests. You are an internet-hipster drone. Your quirkiness is imitative.
Your opinions are copied from those you hope are smarter than you; the cute way you speak is just parsing things memes have said with a few words changed. You’re hiding behind a bland veneer so no one can see your insecurities within. I have taken it upon myself to create a few much more meaningful personality tests to find out more about who you really are, the way personality-tests should really be done. Enjoy below:
Part I. Which Nazi War Criminal Sentenced to Death at the Nuremburg Tribunals Are You?
1. On an average Friday night you are:
A: Hangin with my bitches. Pimpin’ out all my fine hos. At the truck stop. The cold, cold truck stop. Where I pimp these helpless women out. They have no other recourse to escape starvation. YOLO!
B: You’re not ready for this jelly / SorryI’mNotSorry / Some other non-sequitur internet catchphrase
C: Reading a book in bed snuggled up cozy by the fire with a warm steamy mug of coffee and a favorite fuzzy blanket and your cats while you text smileys at your bestie and – why do you have so many cats? How many cats are those? Are those like 20 cats? I’m counting 20 cats. The cats are everywhere. There’s nowhere for all those cats to go. Now that I recounted there are 23. Where are the cats coming from? The cats are going for your face! Oh my god cover your face! How did you anger the cats?? Oh the blood!!
2. How do you take your Macchiato?
A: With a little syrup (wink-wink)
B: With extra foam (nudge-nudge)
C: With the understanding that even though I am routinely spending $5 on a sugared coffee, I fully support the Free Trade / Micro-loan / World Development initiatives which will bring about the equally-distributed wealth of socialist equality I desire. (Bonus point for true idealism if you do this and actually educated yourself about Marxism / Neocapitalism / Economic Theory etc because then you know what you’re talking about and you still routinely drink 5$ sugared coffee).
3. If you were stuck on a deserted island, what would you not want to live without:
A: That [perfect/amazing/ugh-so-good] [pizza/burger/salad/flatbread/pita/sushi/drink] from [place]!
B: Buzzfeed Character Personality Quizzes to mask my deepening lack of inner self and devotion to social media time-wastes and internet approval which I paradoxically think creates a personal uniqueness and an oh-that’s-so-me set of funny descriptions and wacky traits while it in fact homogenizes me into a single aspect-less voice of the brainless peer-dependent millions just like me, while freeing me of the risks and insecurities of working hard to express anything original.
C: Sonic screwdriver.
Part II. How Unique, Individualistic, and Un-Mainstream Are You?
1. How likely are you to look forward to a personality character test result as if it could say something meaningful about you?
C: Not really