Keeps No Record of Wrongs: A Valentine’s Day Story

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When Callista started dating Colin Raffaeli, I had to break them up.

You have to understand how terrible Colin Raffaeli is. Imagine Colin Raffaeli pulling up with his friends in his gigantic off-roading pickup with those monster truck tires I’ve never even seen at a dealership (where do you get monster truck tires?), Lil Wayne blaring at that bass level that’s so distorted you hear the car vibrating more than any music.

I didn’t have to imagine because I was watching the driveway from behind the French blinds in the front sitting room by the foyer, under our track lighting. Colin Raffaeli was wearing a big white Abercrombie polo and big khaki cargo shorts and big brown flapping flip-flops. You could almost smell the body-spray on him.

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Which Nazi War Criminal Are You? (Character Personality Quiz!)

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There have been a lot of personality / which-character quizzes going around recently whose quality I’ve been very disappointed in. Especially those Buzzfeed ones where you just click really big picture squares that all have clip-art copyright text and then at the end it just has a one-sentence result: “You are [result]. So yeah.” Can’t we put a little effort in this? I was making personality tests for friends on paper when I was 15 and also even at 15 I could already read, so I didn’t need big picture squares.

And everyone on Buzzfeed always gets the same result because there’s a type of person who takes Buzzfeed character tests and they’re all exactly the same. Yes, that means you. There are other results possible but anyone who’s different from you doesn’t take Buzzfeed character tests. You are an internet-hipster drone. Your quirkiness is imitative.

Your opinions are copied from those you hope are smarter than you; the cute way you speak is just parsing things memes have said with a few words changed. You’re hiding behind a bland veneer so no one can see your insecurities within. I have taken it upon myself to create a few much more meaningful personality tests to find out more about who you really are, the way personality-tests should really be done. Enjoy below: Continue reading

The Deal Love Has Shown Me

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September 20, 1997

The clouds that covered the sky were thin and soupy in bruise purples and wolf’s fur gray, moving so it looked like there were dark, serious mountains slowly parading across the moon. Now and then they obstructed it completely, then let it peak out between their valleys, then stretched out in tendrils so it shone bright and round, revealing the cover as smoke.

“Blow your smoke away from me,” Vanessa was saying to Ken.

Charlotte turned away from up to look at her sister and her – what? boyfriend? – on the curb, alongside the long, burgundy old convertible, its driver-side open. Ken was leaning up on the top of the open door, its window down, pulling on a dark black cigarette while Vanessa, arms crossed, looked annoyed, like she wished she had something in her hand to look at and distract her.

Ken closed his eyes to swallow the smoke, then exhaled slowly. Calmly, he explained, “I can’t control which way the wind blows.”

“You know it’s bad, that’s why you don’t do it in your car.”

“That isn’t logically sound,” said Ken, still fluidly serene. He smoked a little again, then said, “Nobody is allowed to eat in my car either, and I don’t, because I don’t want the upholstery to be stained. That doesn’t mean I don’t believe in eating, or secretly believe that feeding myself is a sin.”

Vanessa frowned with the left side of her mouth. “Whatever.”

“I don’t let anyone who wants to willy-nilly fuck inside my car. Do you think that belies my secret shameful hate for the procreative act of our species?” Continue reading